So I’m gonna be a little too personal. If you don’t wanna hear about my buttcrack, stop reading right now! I’ve had a little lump at the top of my buttcrack for a few years now. It was round, sometimes painful, and in the last year or so started to change shape, kind of like it grew a tail. So I finally went to a Dr. last week, who referred me to a Surgeon, as it was a little bigger than he wanted to mess with himself. As it turns out, it was a good thing I went to a surgeon!
I went in yesterday, Monday the 5th of April. I’m thinking it’s something like an ingrown hair gone wild. No big deal. A little slice, a squeeze, and I’ll be on my way. WRONG! He took a look and told me it could be one of 3 different types of growths. All of which require excision. (that means he has to cut it out, kids) I said go for it, I haven’t been cut on in a while, let’s do this! (still thinking it’s gonna be a quick deal) He pulls out a needle to numb me, and he says, while I’m laying on my stomach, naked from the waist down, with a drop cloth over my legs, standing directly over my backside… “I’m gonna give you all of this!” I started laughing so hard, he had to stop poking me with the needle cuz I was making more holes than needed! So I composed myself by not thinking of lots of jokes myself and my friends were gonna be telling about this day. Plus the needle stung a little.
He cut me open, took out the main “thing”, (that’s the technical term) and asked if I wanted to see it. UH, DOY! so the nurse brings it around and I couldn’t believe how big and ugly it was. It was only about the size of a quarter, but spherical. Still, though, pretty big for something I’ve been sitting on for years. He then mentioned he had to get the “stalk” as he called it. The “tail” as I called it. A few seconds later, he showed me the tail, about an inch long, half inch wide. Stitched me up, and I’m good and numb, thinking that no problem, I can still hit the Royals home opener.
WRONG! I was fine on the ride out there. But then I sat down at the game, and thought, hhmmm. I asked my friend to check, and yup, I bled through my jeans. I immediately went to s souvenir shop, bought a tshirt, and stuffed it down the back of my pants to cover up the blood. Blood looks suspiciously like poop, so in the mean time, I probably had some people thinking I had sharted. Anyway, as the day went on, I got less numb, and therefore more in pain. I finally gave up, and decided to drive home. LONG DRIVE!! I was in pain like I haven’t experienced in a while, plus I had to SIT on it to drive home. Got home, cleaned up, and took some pain pills.
So that was my Monday! Have a great week!
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I had one of those. I think it was called a pilonidal cyst. After getting stitched up and taking it easy for a day, I went bowling with some friends which was a bad idea. The twisting, momentum, heavy ball weighing one side down, etc. stretched things out back there. That’s how it felt anyway. Damn ingrown hairs.
turns out it was just “stuff” under my skin. Not an ingrown hair, lipoma, pilonidal. Just a collection of non-cancerous tissue, and it’s out of me. Now if I could just stop bleeding!